


how do you sleep?

by orphan_account



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nate Heywood is there for Him, No Smut, Ray Palmer Needs a Hug, Ray Palmer is Hurting, Ray-centric, Realistic, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Some Humor, Wordcount: 5.000-10.000
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-01 16:55:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10194386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: What do you do when you fall for your bro? What do you when you receive mixed signals? What do you do when you get your heart ripped apart? Because you don't know what is going on.(This will be a happy fic. Ray is just going through some stuff).





	1. why does it hurt so much?

It’s always like this.

Ray slips under the covers, feeling no comfort, but the scrape of the thin, rough mattress against his bare skin. Sometimes, he wishes there is a warm body he could snuggle up to, anything to feel a little bit more better. 

He couldn’t, though.

Relationships don't work — _at least not for him_ — on the Waverider.

Dating another teammate is just too darn complicated, but he has dug himself into this hole again. He might not be dating another teammate, but he has fallen hard and fast for … he _can’t_ even think about him without feeling this bottom, endless pain in his heart.

_Nate._ The name sounds so right on his lips, like it belongs there. Yet, just thinking about him, even his name, _causes_ him so much pain, pain that he hasn't felt since Kendra.

He isn't ready for this. He will never be ready for this. Not for love.

He stares at the wall and lets the silent tears fall. He is so _tired._ He wishes he were stronger, wishes that he could just tell Nate about how he feels. But how could he? He is the one who tells Nate that he should break things off between Amaya and him, and he has done exactly that. Five months ago.

And isn’t his life a big, cruel joke? That _is_ when it hits him full in the face — he is in love with Nate. All those ‘bros’ moments has turned into something more. And he is fine with it, really, he is. He has never been with another guy before, never finds himself attracted to one before. 

Okay maybe Len makes him blush, and Mick makes him feel a bit weird. But with Nate, it’s different; it isn’t as if he feels any differently. No going weak in the knees. No heart beating furiously in his chest. No thoughts leaving his head.

It’s normal, natural, as if nothing happens, except for that fact he wants to be with him, to take him out on a date, to listen to him, to confine in him, to kiss every inch of him, to hold him, to touch him, to make him smile and laugh. But none of that can happen, not the way he wants it. They can’t be _together_ because they are teammates, and Nate would … might _never_ feel the same way he does about him. 

The memory burns into him, like a hot, scolding iron.

“ _No, man, I don’t think I want to date anyone for a long time,” Nate had said, wrinkling his eyebrows in that cute way that made Ray go weak in the knees. “I mean I’m not cut out for that. This life — being a superhero and time-traveling — it just don’t mix well with relationships.”_

_“Right,” Ray had said, even as the small hope he had held scattered in his hand, like the wax from a melted candle._

It hurts till to this day. It shouldn’t but it does. He, Raymond of the Palms, he laughs bitterly at his pun, has went and done the impossible, fall for his platonic bro. His friend whom wants nothing to do with relationships anyway.

He laughs until he starts to weep because everything hurts.

Ray never hears the knocks, or the opening of his door until the soft, raspy voice calls out to him, “Ray?”

He turns around, trying to will the tears to go away. It doesn't work, so he doesn't face him, just keeps his eyes on the wall.

“Yeah,” he finally says, putting all of the joy in his voice, as he could manage.

“You okay?” There is that tinge of concern and it makes his heart break enough more. “I mean you haven’t been the same after that _incident._ Scoot over, I’ll bro-sleep with you.”

“What?” He tenses up. _Please go away. I can’t deal with you right now._ “No, I’m fine.”

“You sure don’t sound that way.” Nate slips under the covers with him and presses his body right up against his. “C’mon, man, we can cuddle. You sure as hell looks like you need it. And I’m pretty sure no one, but _only_ me in this ship, wants to cuddle with you, which is a shame, really ‘cause you’re cuddle material,” he says as he wraps his arms around Ray’s midsection. 

Ray tenses up again. _Please go away_ , he thinks, and the tears start to fall, like dews droplets on a foggy morning.

“Ray?” There is that concern again. “Man, are you okay?” Nate asks, pulling him until they are face-to face, and Ray wants to burry his head into his pillows. “Are you crying? Is it _about_ that incident? I thought you were okay. I should have known. Of course, you wouldn’t be. Hell, I’m not even okay. Here, come,” he says, smiling, spreading one of his hand out, “cuddle with me, please?”

Ray falls limp, so he moves right in between Nate’s open arms. Nate runs a hand against Ray’s hair, and kisses the top of his forehead.

“You. Will. Be. Fine,” he emphasizes, as he drops kisses on Ray’s hot forehead. “Okay?”

Ray nods. _No, I won’t be ‘cause I’m only affected by you, nothing else_ , he thinks, as his eyes close on him.

 

 

 

 

 


	2. it will be okay

It’s cold when he wakes up.

It’s still dark in his room. He can hear the engine _faintly_ running on the ship, but other than that, it’s silence. He doesn’t hear breathing, or Nate’s soft snores. It crushes his heart that Nate has gone silent. B _ut maybe, juts maybe,_ he thinks, _Nate’s still there._ He wouldn’t just leave. That isn’t like Nate at all.

Ray reaches over to grab something, anything, to stop the crushing pain in his heart, but all he is greeted with is cold, thin, ruffled sheets. He panics for a moment. What if … what _if_ he has said something in his sleep, and that has driven Nate away. Oh, no!

He blinks away the tears. _It’s okay_ , he tells himself, _Nate only wanted to help you. You can’t expect him to stay the night._ He wipes the tear away with the back of his hands, and sits up, bracing back against the cold, bare wall.

_It’s okay. It’s fine. You’ll be fine._ He pulls his legs up to his chest and wraps his arms around them tightly, shaking back and forth. _Don’t think about it. You’re safe. No one is going to leave you. They’re not going to leave you again._ He bits his lips until he draws blood to stop the violent images flashing in his head.

_Please, don’t_ , he begs, _don’t bring them up again. He can’t deal with it._ He tries to focus on Nate — his _face_ , the cute little smile he has, the way his eyes light up, the way he moves his hands. _You can’t have him, but it’s okay, that pain is bearable._

Nate, Nate, Nate … that’s better. He thinks back to the little quips Nate throws his way, or the way, he’d wink at Ray, or laugh at his awkward jokes. It takes the pain away … _makes_ him feel better, if only for a little while.

And then he sees the kisses Nate and Amaya would share secretly, or the time he walks in on them, when Nate has his hand under Amaya’s blouse, and Amaya has her hands fisted in Nate’s hair, moaning. His heart crushes painfully at the image, but it’s okay, he isn’t _thinking_ of that anymore. This pain is okay. He _might_ never get over it, but it’s better than _that._ Anything is better than that.

He starts rocking back and forth again, ignoring the abuse it throws at his back. _It’s okay, Ray. You’re safe. They can’t get to you here. Sara won’t let them. Nate won’t let them. You won’t let them ever do that to you again._ But the images wouldn’t leave him. He sees the _shear_ , remembers how it burns into his flesh. _No, no, no!_ He starts to shake violently.

Oh, no! 

He opens his eyes, wide and big, and sees _him._ No, he won’t do that to him again. Ray wouldn’t let him. He backs up away from _him_ , _it_ , not realizing that he is trapped, and starts hitting his back against the wall. Violently. But _he_ won’t go away. He starts to move in on Ray’s, wrapping his slimy hands around him.

“No,” he pleads, hating how it has to come down to his, begging, “Please _don’t._ I _can’t_ take it anymore. I’ll _tell_ you anything you want.” No, he won’t, but he has to play his part. “ _Don’t_ _hurt him._ Spare Nate, please.”

“Ray,” he begins, voice changing from low-toned, to a softer, familiar, more pleasant tone. “Buddy, please _step_ out of it. I’m okay. You’re okay. C’mon, please come back here. I’m sorry I had to leave, but I _had_ to use the bathroom.”

No, no, no! He shakes his head. _Nate, Nate!_ His eyes almost brighten at it, but he remembers, it isn’t Nate. It’s _one_ of _his_ tricks, using Nate, shifting into Nate, when Ray _doesn’t_ comply to one of his wishes. He won’t _buy_ it again. Never again.

“No, no,” he says and backs away again, “you _aren’t_ Nate. Nate _isn’t_ here. You _took_ him away!” His voice hitches into his throat, as the image of Nate bloody and beaten flashes over him. “You _took_ him away. You _hurt_ him when you promise you won’t touch him,” he whispers brokenly, clutching at the sheets.

“Ray, buddy, come on, please wake up. No one hurt me,” the voice begs and it sounds hurt and pained. “I _shouldn’t_ have leave you. I’m sorry. Please, Ray, wake up,” he says, and it reminds him so much of Nate that when he pulls Ray in for a hug, Ray lets him hold him.

“Please _don’t_ hurt him. I’ll do anything you want. Just _don’t_ hurt him, please,” he whispers, resting his face against _his_ shoulder, because his head hurt so much. 

“Ray, no one is going to _put_ you through that mind _crap_ again. I promise you that,” the voice shouts and Ray flinches. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have _yelled._ But I _let_ this happen to you, and I’m so sorry. I led them to us, and you protected me, and I couldn’t even protect you. Didn’t _try_ to save you like I should have. And I’m sorry for that.”

Ray doesn't listen to _him. He_ can play the perfect Nate when he wants to. This is all a lie, to get Ray comfortable, to give him a false sense of hope, before he throws Ray into one of his many _worlds._

“I know, you don’t believe I’m here, or even that you’re here. In the ship. I get that. But I’ll _never_ leave you again. Never again,” he continues softy, taking Ray’s hands into his, and squeezing them comfortably.

_He_ never does that. Comfort Ray. Is … _is_ it possible that he _isn’t_ there anymore? That … _that_ it is really Nate. He doesn't want to buy into it. Doesn't want to get disappointed again.

And he is so tired. 

His back hurt so badly, and his eyes feel so heavy. He _wants_ to sleep _even_ if he is there. So, he closes his eyes, and allows sleep to take over his body.

Nate smiles. “Sleep, Ray. I _love_ you, god damnit, so frickin’ much, and I’m really _sorry_ I wasn’t there to protect you,” he says to the dark room, and a tear rolls down his cheek, and he pulls Ray’s warm body close up against him.

Sleep escapes him that night.

 

 


End file.
